i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
