I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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