she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
