I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think my moral compass just broke
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
