you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
