Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
