Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
And then he peed in my hair
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