***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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