Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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