Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
