Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
