walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
