I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Randomize
