the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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