I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
