Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
