I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
