And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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