i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
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Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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