In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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