thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
