cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i drank out of a bidet.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm just crazy horny about you
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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