Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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