Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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