Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
