I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
