We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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