It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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