Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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