my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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