Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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