Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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