Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I wish they made helmets for livers.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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