I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
