birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
