Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
