i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
