And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
