sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
