she was so not down for the gang bang
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
