I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
