I'm jealous of your bromance
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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