My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
