I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
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please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
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Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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