I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
