Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It's never too late to be topless.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
