HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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