I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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