I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
be right there i have to get my cape
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
