Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
