I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
