I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
