Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Ambien. No doubt about it.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
