we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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