M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
