I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I faked an abortion last night.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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