The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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