so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
